Recover From Negative Self-Judgment Quickly
I woke up this morning at 5:58am. I had a phone meeting at 5:00am. Panic, dread, and anger towards myself filled my belly. My stomach tightened; butterflies fluttered in my chest.
I know you’ve been there. Throughout my professional career this has happened more than a handful of times. Yesterday evening I had set myself up for an early rise. I set three alarms: two on my phone and one on my physical alarm clock (4:00am, 4:30am, 4:45am). I had attempted to go to sleep early.
Was it because I put “Good Girls” on Netflix before falling asleep? Did the blue light keep me from getting into a deep sleep quick enough? My dog, George Washington, woke me up by pacing around my bedroom at midnight. Was that why I only vaguely remember turning my alarms off and sleeping through them this morning?
I sat up in bed and attempted to calm myself. “There’s nothing you can do about it now.” I told myself. My mind raced with ideas of what I should do next. Should I immediately call the person leading the group and apologize? Send them a text? Would they be angry with me?
I refrained from acting out of the place of panic I was residing. This is something newer for me. One or two years ago, simply stopping before acting out of fear would have taken a lot more willpower (Side note: it’s nice to see that practice really does pay off!).
Instead- I made myself even later. I meditated. Yes, I took an extra 20 minutes to meditate before reaching out to those that I had stood up in the phone meeting. I was already late. The meeting was over. Through my years of meditation practice I understood that it was better for me to ground myself and then respond, rather than reach out while still in the thick of my emotions.
Through my meditation, I noticed a couple things that were happening in those moments of panic:
I was judging myself, harshly. “You messed up big time.” “They’re going to be mad at you.” “You can’t do anything right.”
I was making negative assumptions about what the other people in the meeting were thinking about me. “They’re going to be mad at me.”
The truth is, these are all FEAR BASED thoughts. I’ve been learning more about reacting from a place of fear and have been struggling to understand it in its entirety. I couldn’t identify times throughout the day that I was acting in fear or even feeling fearful. “I’m not afraid during the day. I get anxious sometimes, but I’m not, like, scared of it,” I would think.
Just last night I was reading through a page in “May Cause Miracles” by Gabby Bernstein. There was an affirmation something along the lines of “I forgive myself for having this thought [fear based]. I choose love instead.” It didn’t resonate with me; I told myself that I would try to understand it better tomorrow.
Well, the universe, God, higher power - they definitely delivered on that one. I get it.
When I was judging myself for waking up late, (“You messed up big time.” “They’re going to be mad at you.” “You can’t do anything right.”) and assuming that the other people in the meeting would think negatively of me, I was coming from a place of fear. I was fearful that I had somehow messed up some larger intention. I was fearful that I had missed something life-changing in that meeting. I was fearful that I had made a poor impression on the other people in the meeting. I was fearful that I wasn’t good enough for better. I was fearful that I wasn’t good enough.
It’s wild how a basic situation can snowball into fears about our self-worth. Our ego has a miraculous way of showing up and reinforcing our worst insecurities about ourselves. It’s not our fault. It’s not your fault. Growing up, we have experiences that help program us to react and doubt ourselves in certain situations. When we’re unaware of it, before we are conscious, we allow our ego to react from this place of fear and we are taken hostage on this tumultuous ride of self-doubt and judgment.
I know that I can’t make assumptions about what the other people in the meeting think. They are in the midst of their own lives and have a completely different experience my absence than I do.
I also know that I have the choice to view my fear as separate from myself. (For more on this, check out my free Developing Consciousness workbook in the library section of my website!). This fear is not who I am. I do not have to live in this fear. I see it, acknowledge it, listen to it for a couple of breaths to see if there is anything it is trying to teach me… and then I let it go.
I know, I know. It sounds too simple to be true. Good news is, it really is that simple. Bad news is, practicing it is the hard part. There are times that it takes me a bit longer to lower myself from the reactivity level of fear. Meditation and deep breathing help me. Pro tip: Having a daily meditation practice helps me (and can help you!) come back to yourself in times of fear or reactivity quicker! Practicing even when you’re feeling “good” will help you in times when you’re struggling.
The reason I share this is because I want you to know that it is possible to accept and redirect yourself from your own judgement and shame. This is coming from someone who used to have times of feeling completely out of control and unable to control my self-loathing, guilt, embarrassment, anger, fear.
I encourage you to keep practicing! If you would like extra attention, tools, and support, I am available to take on clients 1-1 for online mentorships. E-mail me HERE or follow me on Instagram HERE!